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Trauma
I hate how people write me off as stuck up, snobby, and above others. No one stops to think about what may have given cause or effect into a person's behavior. I'm a contradiction shy but shocking.
I'm so quiet when I do speak what I say is unexpected and completely out of left field. Sounds right for a left handed individual.
I was beaten as a toddler, child, adolescence severed me drastically. As a result I'm disconnected from people. Suffering issues of trust, I trust few, and keep people at arms length.
Hence my sideline job over phone. Sexual abuse caused issues with intimacy. My attitude….we've had sex, now what? The given feeling is fleeing. Fucking is one thing..what happens later is another.
Fear causes my panic….set different from others I'm on high alert. What people presume about me is quite funny.
People don't realize I am highly abused, traumatized, and how experience shaped me. I don't openly discuss any of this people in general such as relatives, my friend, or people I'm close.
I'm slowly beginning to open about what I experienced as a whole. Terrible enough my daughter says, I'm lieing bc I act to normal to have been abused. My response, “how are abused people supposed to act?”
Last thing I want people noticing about me is abuse. I have issues to resolve before trying to be with anyone else.
Classic line, “I've been hurt before” line opens other party to and for abuse. Words I never want to use with another.
Since beginning portion of journal.. Fuck ailment: headaches, constipation, nausea, and restlessness.
Feelings: lost, confused, betrayed, hurt,
I feel data sheets are all wrong written in wrong perspective. Tests ran