I hate how people write me off as stuck up, snobby, and above others. No one stops to think about what may have given cause or effect into a person's behavior. I'm a contradiction shy yet shocking.

I'm so quiet when I do speak what I say is unexpected, completely out of left field, but relevant. Sounds right for a left handed individual.

I was beaten as a toddler, child, adolescence severed me drastically. As a result I'm disconnected from people. Suffering issues of trust, I trust few, and keep people at arms length.

Hence my side job over phone. Sexual abuse caused issues with intimacy. My attitude….we've had sex, now what? The given feeling is fleeing. Fucking is one thing..what happens later is another.

Fear causes panic….set different from others I'm on high alert.

I am highly abused, traumatized, and how experience shaped me. I don't openly discuss any of this people in general such as relatives, my friend, or people I'm close.

I'm slowly beginning to open about what I experienced as a whole. Terrible enough my daughter says, I'm lieing bc I act to normal to have been abused. My response, “how are abused people supposed to act?”

Last thing I want people noticing about me is abuse. I have issues to resolve before trying to be with anyone else.

Classic line, “I've been hurt before.” I never want to victimize another for my level of victimization. Opens paths of manipulation, abuse, and control.

Since beginning portion of journal.. Fuck ailment: headaches, constipation, nausea, and restlessness.

Feelings: lost, confused, betrayed, hurt,

I feel data sheets are all wrong written in wrong perspective. Tests ran say, I'm a danger to others? Who provoked danger in me? The bullies wanting to protect their hide (hyde).

Allegedly I killed people in fairness they stopped my heart using cardiac arrest. u killed me first by putting me in zero gravity. Giving me full access to power source.

Yeah, killed me, expected me to Stargate, and I refused portalling out. Held scalpel to my physical self (neck) by refusing directive. Fuck u…

Fuck yeah, I allegedly fried everything and everyone in fucking sterile white room. Then have nerve to call Me a Murderer.

I didn't need defibrillator, my ethereal self zapped back into body, and jumped my heart. Less than 5 minutes white sliding doors opened. Doctors flooded room needles in hand.

I'd say I was 8 or 9 having such a nightmare.