As a small child always felt something lurked in shadows, what I don't know?
I always felt watched daytime, nightime, it didn't matter.
At night time things became worse, what does a peaceful night of sleep equate?
Fuck I don't know..or I can't remember.
I remember a time when I lived on 2 hours of sleep.
Because I was frightened to sleep.
Undergoing regimented physical, mental, and emotional abuse severing any tie for
lent ability to trust.
Early in age I understood such concepts of contradiction, deception, and anger
I never understood x-chromo, "Don't make me beat you!"
I can not make you do anything you do not want to do?
How am I causing you to beat me? (that sentient)
My ass was so beat as a child it's not funny.
I was raised with concepts and ideas to protect my abuser.
Making me ask the question?, "What's wrong with me?"
The stockholm syndrome kicks because I am suppose to love my abusers?
Seems to be the message, and how I was suppose to form to how x and y molded
I never did
Programming began early...
Religion sanctioned abuse, military sanctioned abuse off the books,
I was sold by my parents!!
Like a fuckin common slave.
I found one tracking device, I did not save this but I'm happy to describe.
It was a piece of film, white on one side, kodak film with a red
strip on top side of film.
I'm not saying this was a unique foreign object in my upper forearm.
Experiencing harassment while driving, unmarked vehicles, military vehicles,
vehicles with military general stars.
Dont' get me wrong I see cars like this, but not on a daily basis.
Followed into places such as Wal mart, Target, Resturants.
Receiving terrible food when I am with my husband.
On my own I receive perfect food go figure.
I married a hitman, he fits the descript..
Long story stort, I'm not sure what the real story is, but
I was suppose to be head over heels in love with hitman, and when I found out
he wasn't all that.
I was suppose to hit delta mode, self descruct mode, and kill myself.
No one banked on self love I have for myself therefore beating odds stacked
My survival perplexes teams studying me.
How I compare with others family members our stories are similar.
considering we were all raised apart.
Drug addicts, imprisoned, mental disorders, young parents,
seems like a typical pattern.
I made different choices, and still failed without going off the deep end.